Nothing

 No hands

No feet

Yet my butt

Is still in my seat

Walk Day

This is called the "one leg."

When I was little, I was not allowed to touch things. So now, I carry a stick and I poke.

I am much taller in the morning.

 

The Ant

 

"Mom, there is an ant in my room! Hurry, come and see!"

"Just squish it!"

"Hi, um....."

"Do you happen to know when you are leaving?"

Disneyland quarantine style

 

What are you looking at?

What are you looking at?

Hello?

I don't see anything!

I just got my bangs cut and the view is great!

How to catch a dinosaur

How to catch a dinosaur:

Not with a mitt.

Not with a net.

Catch him with your heart. Give him all of it. He will eat it up, well, not literally because this one is a herbivore. Don't get close to the others....they'll eat your heart and your entire body too!

Louder

"GRANDMA! Can you speak a little louder and a little younger? I am in my backyard sitting in a shopping cart while using my banana phone and I just can't understand a word you're sayin'! "

Ready?

"The mailman should be pulling up at any moment. If I wait right here, it will probably make him get here quicker."

If you need me, I'll be in my office.

Sent Outside

"MOOOOOOM mom, I am sorry. Please don't send us outside. The grass field is sure to eat us. Fine. Chewy, it looks like my 'using my outside voice' inside has gotten to mom so she is banning us to the grass fields. My advice, keep your hands to your side and if you are being taken by the grass, use the code word 'help'."

" Chewy! Keep your mouth closed. The grass fields are smarter and meaner than I thought. They'll try and make their way into your mouth and reach down your throat to your heart, because everyone knows grass doesn't have a heart. HELP, my face is getting wet...it must be their acid spit I've read about. We will be sure to melt. Why does mom want us to die like this? If we live through this, we'll tell mom we'll play the silent game and stay out of her hair."

Out came the sun and so did the ice cream!

Proof

"OK teacher woman, I am going to speak slowly so you won't need to ask any questions when I am done. My monster ripped up my homework. Now since I know you wouldn't believe me, I have brought him to school. He is in my backpack. Look at your own risk. He could have scabies or contagious skin tags or the Spooky Pox. That's what I thought, just back away. Thanks for believing me. You're not as old a feeble as I once thought."

Here he is!

"MOM...moooooomm, there you are. Here is the monster that was just about to suck my brains out through my toes because you didn't come when I didn't call you. He is the one that lives under my bed who eats those toes we were speaking about. Now you'll need to go to the store in about 10 minutes because he is about to eat all our food. He says he prefers corn dogs made from turkey not beef and would like some orange popsicles, guacamole and chips, and for dessert, chocolate devil's food cake. Come on, you saw that one comin'. How do I know what he wants? Because he is my monster and likes what I like. Now hurry before starts workin' on my toes again!"

I am done::muichan

"This is the end. I give up. I am just going to lie here and let him finish me off. Why don't parents ever believe their children? We only lie about unimportant things like borrowing things that aren't ours or about homework or about putting our boogers under pillows, but never about monsters. If I live to tell another lie, I'll...OK, maybe I should stop lying. This may be my punishment. Is that why you are here Mr. Monster. What? I don't.....Oh, sorry....your mouth is full."

Monster under my bed::muichan

"MOM! MMMOOOOOMMMM! There is a monster under my bed! No, not on my head....under my bed! Please look! I can't just go to sleep, he'll eat my toes...I just know it. Mom...MOM! Mom, mom, mom, mom....can you at least get me some hot dogs. I will stick them under my blanket and the monster will think they are my toes. He'll bite on those instead. Wait, can you bring me an extra? I'm kinda hungry. Thanks."

Whhhaaat?

"Whaaattt? I can't hear you! Did you say you gotta go? Well, there is no bathroom here. Whhaatt? No, I don't gotta go. No I don't. I went before we left! Oh, you mean we have to go home. Fine."